So, this hiding thing came up again this week, as I was writing my morning pages…which have ebbed into monthly pages. Why don’t I schedule time to write in the mornings? I absolutely love to write. It centers me. It calms me. Yet, I do not give time to it in the morning, as intended. What came to me as I risked honesty was, “I don’t want to disturb my beloved” “If I get up, I’ll be an inconvenience,” “If I’m discovered, I’ll be laughed at.” I stared at the words, “disturb,” “inconvenience,” and “laughed at.” My childhood themes of “children should be seen and not heard, “you talk too much,” and “being teased and laughed at” washed over me. Staying with the discomfort, hiding emerged.
Hiding sheltered me from getting into trouble, being a burden, being ridiculed. If I hid and stayed out of the way, I wouldn’t get into trouble. If I did it on my own, I wouldn’t inconvenience any one. If I never let on what I was doing, I wouldn’t be laughed at. What was I hiding from, honestly? I was hiding from shame.
As I dug in deeper to shame, I uncovered themes of self-worth, or lack of. When we believe that we’re in the way, a burden, or an inconvenience, our self-worth is suffering. I grew up not feeling worthy of being seen, being heard, being loved, showing up. By hiding, I controlled shame. By hiding, I was safe.
We might think that hiding protects us from shame, but we feel it anyway. When we hide, we’re fooling ourselves. We think we’re beating shame. Instead, we live lonely and isolated with our shame. We cry in the shower, in our cars, in bed at night where no one can see us suffer. Living in the shadows with shame is excruciating. I know.
Through my personal development, I have discovered that when I bring shame into the light, it doesn’t control me any more. In the light, shame holds no power over me; I am empowered.
As I shared my hiding shame insight with my beloved, I felt my body release and relax. Anxiety faded. I felt affirmed, held, loved. I was no longer hiding shame in the shadows. Oh, and I discovered that most mornings, my beloved is awake and waiting for me to wake!
We all have the courage we need to share our shame. We simply have to set the intention to call on it. Past fears that we believe we need to carry often prevent us from sharing our shame. We fear responses or reactions, most often our own…so we carry our shame. We hide in the shadows. We live in the comfort of our discomfort, perhaps more fearful of the light than the shadows.
When we share our shame, we bring shame into the light where it can’t hurt us any more…that is, unless we allow shame to consume our personal power. Although, we can never control what we will receive from others, the fear, vulnerability, and energy that floods through my body when I stop hiding shame confirms that I’m alive and living life fully illuminated.
Sending you inspiration,